Not so Super Tuesday

It is one of those days. One of those days, when you wake up, thinking, "what a lovely Wednesday morning." Only to find, it is Tuesday. You have completely rearranged your Wednesday to accommodate others, and find you didn't need to. Oh well, time to move.

Things go as a normal Tuesday would go....until BAM! You get into a fender bender. That's when this Tuesday goes to the crapper.

My heart sinks. I start shaking. But immediately run over to other car to see if they are ok. They are physically fine, but so livid. The husband and wife are so terribly upset with me. He instantly calls the police. She instantly gives me the evil eye. Neither one of them ask if I or my child is ok. My minivan is fine. My kid is fine. And I am physically fine. I check the damage on my car. Thankfully, nothing. I check the damage on their car. Thankfully nothing. They are so mean to me. And my hurt hearts. They never ask if my kid or kids are ok. That is what I'm learning. I praise the Lord for this accident. No matter what happens, Lord please help me to think of the other person.

It hurt so much that they never even came over to ask how my kid was. Lord, please help me not be so selfish. In all I do, please help me glorify you!
There is more that happened later on this no so super Tuesday. But I will rest in His love and know that He is watching over me.

Lent and Repent!

Tis the time of Lent. Usually this is the time of year where I hear people give up chocolates, sweets, meat, etc..until Easter. Now, I have known about lent ever since I can remember, but it wasn't until just recently, when I really started to study it, that is so much more than food!

   I am a sinner. Fo sho! No denying it. Ask anyone. My imperfections are obvious. I know I will never be perfect until I reach heaven. So, why try, right?
WRONG!
   I have a God who loves me and takes care of me. He made. He made all things. He formed me in my mother's womb and made me for Him. Not for me, or you, or anyone else, but for Him.
   So...here I am, living on this earth, with one simple goal. To glorify God and enjoy Him. When I choose to sin, yes choose-no one can make me sin-I am choosing to worship and love myself more than God. What have I ever done for myself? I didn't create myself. I didn't send my only son to die on cross to be a substitute for sinners. I am a mere man. I am nothing...apart from Christ. Why would I choose to hate my Savior, the one true God, and love my sin more than Him? Why would I choose to dwell in the house of the wicked and not in the house God? What have I ever done for myself?

Repent! Hate and forsake my sin. Turn from it and turn to Christ. He is the only one who can save me and change my heart. Trust in Him with all of my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct my path!

How can I speak?

Does anyone struggle with talking to people? Not asking questions. Not listening. But struggle with talking about themselves? As if, the other person in the convo has something better to say, a better life, or just isn't interested in what I have to say or who I am?
  Now, the later has proven to be untrue a majority of the time. They do care about me and would most likely be interested in my life, if I could only let them know about it. But I am not interesting. I don't care about drama or trying to making something more dramatic than it is. My life isn't ossome, but it definitely has good days...and bad. So, in conversations with friends or acquaintances, how do I express that?
  TED talks has a ten minute video about talking so someone so they will listen. I found it helpful, as I am guilty of all the negative things he brings up. And, guilty of all the positive ones as well. I know I complain and have excuses and am not perfect. https://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_how_to_speak_so_that_people_want_to_listen?language=en
  I know I also want to talk to people and listen to them because I genuinely love and care about them. When they ask me how I am doing, why do I feel as though I have a 3 second response time, or I have lost them and they are bored? I do not feel comfortable talking to others, because it it appears either their mind is elsewhere or I am boring. How do I engage their attention?
   I do see a counselor once a month. I pay the counselor. That is where I am truly confident to say what I think and feel, because the counselor is being paid to listen.
  So....my new theory is this: get out of my self! I am so focused on me that I am losing sight on how I can love and serve Jesus by listening to others and caring for them. And Jesus always ALWAYS! hears me. He is always there for me and will never leave me. I am blessed to have that wonderful counselor and unconditional love. Praise the Lord! And I pray He would continue to help me see His way instead of my own.
  I am blessed with family, friends and a wonderful husband! I have no reason to complain and I do not really even mean to complain. I am just not great at talking. When people tell their engagement stories or birthing stories, they are so elaborate and enticing! When I tell mine, I am done in two sentences. But here is what I found. It is truly not about me. Conversations are for getting to know the other person. How can I love them? How can I pray? And how can we build each other in Him? Praise the Lord for the trials He brings in our lives and for His forgiveness.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

"Silent Night, Holy Night", one of my favorite Christmas hymns. It is relaxing and calming. Makes me feel as though I am rocking in my rocker in the middle of field that is covered with snow.  My seven year old performed her ballet recital to this song this year. So graceful and elegant, and effortless, as sleep should be. ..heavenly.

But yet, here I am. Tossing. Turning. Restless. Restless in my calm night, in my warm house, listening to my husband softly snore. He is at peace in his rest, despite his annoyance with heartburn a few hours earlier. That Friday night pizza, gets him everytime.

At peace. Where is my fear? Psalm 27:1 reminds me "The Lord is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?" He is my light and guide. He shows me the way through His word. I trust in Him for my life, as I know only He can save it.

The devil is everywhere. He is prowling around like a Lion. He is hungry and wants me for his next meal. I am weak, especially when I sleep, or try to at least.

During the day, when I am running here and there, fighting the stores for deals, or traveling on airplanes, I can tell how much I rely on Christ for strength. I believe He will give it to me, and He does. He makes me brave to ask the young man to stop dropping the "F" word every 3 seconds. He makes me patient to rebuke my children. He makes me humble as I am reminding how unawesome I am without Him.

And as my head hits the pillow, I close my eyes, I pray. I pray for me, I pray for the world and I praise Him. I praise Him for peace less nights. I praise Him for my puffed up and then ever-so-humbly brought back down to reality way of thinking that I am awesome. He is the awesome one. Jesus. Perfect. Holy. Never gave into all the temptations by the devil. He is the only one who will give me sleep. Heavenly, peaceful sleep.

Why ask Why?

I am a baker, not butcher, and I have been a candlestick maker. Yes, that is in the incorrect order, unlike the famous children's poem, but aren't most things in life these days? For instance, I went to college, had a good job, got married, then had kids, in that order. The way it should be. But now, now that I have been married for 15 years, am 35 years old, why does everything seem to be falling to pieces, even though I did it in the correct order? 

I am totes asking a rhetorical question here, as I know God has His hand in everything, but sometimes, I really would like to know why. Why, did God choose to test Job? Why did God choose Joseph to be the favorite? Why did God want Moses to part the Red Sea? Why did God choose some to see beautiful things and some to be blind? Some to be deaf? Cripple? Why? Not blaming, not being malicious. Just want to know why He chooses whom He chooses to be "ossome" and whom He chooses to be die on cross for our sins.....us....worthless and pathetic people. Just throwing this out there, as I have had wonderful things happen to me in my life (my husband, my kids, lots of material possessions that I don't need, another fabulous minivan even though I wanted a Suburban...lol) and then I have had not so great things happen to me in my life, and the latest is the greatest.

Today is the 7 year anniversary of my miscarriage. Yes, I know it sounds silly, as many have had miscarriages, and I still have four sometimes great kids that I love ohsoverymuch! But it hurts. The pain doesn't stop. I always remember. I would like others to remember, so I don't feel foolish talking about it, but they don't, so I don't. But it hurts. I will get over it, like everything else in life, because, what else am I going to do. But sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to know why.

I'll end there, as life is calling. But knowing that I don't need to know why is fine, but sometimes it would be nice to just know why.